Parenting and Quarantine: What You Could Be Teaching Your Children
And no, this is not about baking cupcakes.
I was supposed to conduct a 2-day workshop on mindful parenting last month through Lighthouse Wellness Philippines, but the community quarantine happened and everything had to be moved to an indefinite date. This is me modifying some of the contents of that workshop to fit today’s whole new world.
Whether you are in a parenting role or not, this piece is relevant to you and may help you in understanding your own parents or primary care giver/s.
If you are a parent, I am writing this for you. We know that no one is ever really ready for parenthood, and even if you’ve just had your tenth child, you know you’re still not a master. I have not met anyone who’s ever told me that he/she has mastered parenting, and if you think you have, then I’d like to meet your adult child.
Around 89.6% of the adult population worldwide will become parents, and most of these people will strive to be the best ones of their child. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all, big black book for this feat — I wish there was.
I am a parent myself (I have a 15-year-old and a 20-year-old), and, while I adore these kids to the ends of the earth and would like to think I am at least a decent parent to them, I still worry. I mean, don’t you?
A lot of people I know get excited about having a baby; joy may be the default emotion associated with having a child. And that’s great, really.
But stop for a moment, look at your kid, and say to yourself:
I am raising an adult.
Yep. We are raising little adults and it is our responsibility to mold them into the adults that they will be 20 or 30 years from now.
My personal favorites in the study of childhood experiences are psychologists Sigmund Freud, Erik Erikson, and Karen Horney. (Freud may have had some obscure concepts, but he did pave the way to a lot of questions and breakthroughs.)
What do these psychologists have in common? Their theories posit that the parents and primary care givers of children have a direct impact on who they become as adults.
We parents become the voice in our children’s heads. We impact areas in their lives such as their personal values, peer relations, partner choices, sexual preferences, and many others. We are also responsible for teaching them resilience, compassion, courage, and love. We affect their levels of self-esteem and maturity, and also help them develop trust, self-efficacy, and independence.
However, inversely and subconsciously, we also plant the seeds of fear, greed, hate, ignorance, mistrust, and naivety, among others.
This may not be completely your fault.
The author of the book It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle, Mark Wolynn, says in an interview with Psychology Today:
Many of us walk around with trauma symptoms we can’t explain. Whether sudden onset or chronic, we have anxieties, depressions or obsessive thoughts we’ve never gotten to the bottom of. We never think to connect our personal issue to what’s happened to our parents or grandparents. We’re now learning that traumas experienced by previous generations can be biologically inherited and I think that’s surprising for many people.
There is evidence that the children of trauma survivors of major events like war, slavery, and genocide have a greater risk of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and substance abuse. While there is proof that these can be passed on genetically, there is also empirical data that we can manage and even completely override these genetic predispositions by strengthening coping mechanisms, emotion regulation skills, and distress tolerance skills.
What does this mean for us parents?
This means that we have to be aware of our own fears, coping mechanisms, and ways of thinking because we are teaching the same to our children through our words, behaviors, and reasoning.
Have you ever met a baby less than a year old who’s afraid of spiders or dogs or cats? How about knowing a child that was born racist? Or a toddler who questions his ambition to become a doctor?
None.
These are learned behaviors.
Whom do you think they learned these from?
If we base it on Erikson’s Psychosocial Development Theory (which I love), yes, up until a child is about 13 years of age, all of these he will have learned from his parents. From us.
Which means, we, too, may have learned most of our fears, self-esteem and trust issues, and ways of coping (healthy or otherwise) from our own parents.
But let’s not be quick to blame our folks. They also just learned things from their own parents. Plus, from adolescence onward, we developed and continue to develop some of these constructs through our peers and our environment, too.
Here comes a silent traumatic event: COVID-19
So by now, at least here in Manila, we’ve been quarantined for almost four weeks. How does that look like for our families?
If you’re from a typical Filipino family, you may also be living with at least one extended family member: could be your mother, mother-in-law, your sister and her family, etc. Yes, we usually have multi-family homes.
If you’re not familiar with that setup, just imagine how that would seem like every day. A lot of people who are employed find that going to work is a form of a break or even escape from child-rearing responsibilities. For Filipinos, it’s not just a parenting break; it can also be a form of productive me-time or a form of distancing from the loving (or not) chaos at home.
So now, finally, mom and dad are home all the time. Working, but at least at home. Kids are also here, maybe some of them have school work, some are just playing games or glued to the TV all day. [Insert other family members here, if applicable.]
And for what reason?
A global pandemic in the form of the coronavirus or COVID-19.
Whether you admit it or not, thousands of people dying, social distancing being enforced, the perceived scarcity in food and other essentials, schools closing down, and the number of deaths and active cases rising are all traumatic. To add to that, people are also losing their jobs, protesting out of hunger, and the government does not seem to also know what to do anymore.
How you are responding to all of this as a human being is also you teaching your child how to respond to a similar situation moving forward.
Panicking and the unnecessary hoarding of goods teach your child to procure items out of fear and to think about yourself first before others.
Hating on the government out loud and with superficial basis teaches your child distrust and unfounded anger.
Disengaging from your children and not giving them an appropriate explanation about what’s happening teach them avoidance and ignorance.
Explicitly displaying your anxiety or depression levels or not having the necessary emotional boundaries teaches them that they, too, do not need to work on managing their emotions and stressors.
Conversely, and considering we have learned these skills along the way (say, we had great parents, friends, partners, or therapists), when we do talk to them about what’s happening and base our talking points on facts, we teach them logical thinking.
Explaining to them that “we only need this much so that others can have their share,” teaches them compassion and a sense of community.
Discussing opposing political angles rationally helps them consider other people’s points of views.
Showing them ways to manage their anxieties and stress through distractions and healthy coping skills teaches them emotion management and hope.
Easier said than done.
“Okay, I’m worried. Where do I begin?”
We begin with a pause. With that pause, we breathe. With that breath, we make space to collect our thoughts, allow ourselves to exercise free will by choosing how to respond, and maybe act against impulse or automatic programming.
“Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you’re about to act harshly.” — Lori Deschene
A new strand of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) called the Pause Button Therapy (PBT) was developed by Drs. Martin and Marion Shirran in Spain. They introduced a tactile CBT technique that promotes mindfulness and foresight with the use of a wristband with the pause, play, fast-forward, and rewind icons on it. The idea is so simple that even young kids can grasp the concept.
“PBT uses the idea of the Pause, Rewind, Fast Forward and Play buttons on remote control devices, to help people give themselves more thinking time when faced with decisions. It teaches them how to ensure they make the best possible use of that time to weigh up the potential consequences of their actions. This allows them to live more successfully in the present.”
Pausing is really just that: stopping and taking time to reasses the situation. To be with the moment.
Here are some things to consider while you pause and, in effect, you also teach these to your children:
Gratitude.
Before you respond negatively, can you acknowledge the good that comes from this situation? This could be in a form of a lesson, a mindset, a way of being.
The present moment.
Look at the face of the person you are talking to. Look into his or her eyes. What do you see? Hope? Fear? Disappointment? Love? And what do you wish to impart that will benefit him or her the most? Pay attention to who you are talking to and adjust to the person accordingly.
Logic.
Do you have enough evidence to back up your reaction? And equally important: Do you have enough evidence to prove yourself wrong? Are you still right? Or are you basing this response off of your emotional status?
Maturity.
When considering a response, can you do so maturely? Can you communicate your feelings of anger, disappointment, and disapproval without lashing out or acting out? Know that you can share what you’re feeling without having to act it out. You can say, “I am disappointed…” without needing to yell or walk out. Learn to manage your temper.
Openness to the experience.
When things are highly emotional and you’re trying to manage your stress, can you use that pause to listen? Listen to your surroundings. Listen to your breath. Listen to yourself. Notice your physical reactions, too. Maybe even ask a question like, “What do you think?” and be open to the other person’s response without judgment.
Discernment.
As you pause, quickly contemplate where your response is coming from. Is it from your own fears? Insecurities? Anger? My favorite question to ask myself to check my own responses is: What am I teaching my child?
Certainly, being a parent is not a walk in the park. There is a high level of awareness and mindfulness required on our part to bring up a sensible adult (and not a big baby, please). These tips are not only applicable during a global pandemic, but also on every single normal, boring day.
If you, however, feel that you have not been your best these past few days, it’s okay. What we are going through is not a small thing; we are coping the way we know how. What matters is that we are willing to try, again and again.
Being a mindful parent takes a lot of internal work. Sometimes, it can go deep into the rabbit hole, when you yourself have to face your own shame, fears, guilt, and insecurities.
Always coming from a place of love, care, and good intentions is the antidote that will help us become better human beings, and in turn, bring up even better human beings than us.
